A Good Kind Of Mental Block

I have been wanting to write about my experiences with bulimia, but I’m in such a strong, positive mental state that I can’t dredge up those lonely, hopeless feelings sufficiently to write directly from that place!  It’s great!

These days, if I eat an apple and feel fat, I tell myself (and believe it) “You will never get in trouble for eating an apple.  Fruit is healthy and feeling full does mean you are gaining weight by the second.”  I used to agonize over the full-belly sensation of drinking a big glass of water, but no more!  The rational part of my brain says that water has zero calories and hydrates my body, nourishing each cell and prolonging my life.

It’s tough to improve upon the classic trail mix of raisins, peanuts and M&M’s, my favorite snack of the last week.  I read the nutrition label, knew how many calories were in each serving, and ate more than the recommended 3 tablespoons anyway.  Seriously, who sits down to eat 3 tablespoons of anything besides cough syrup?  The difference between my chocolate-eating habits of 2010 and those of 2004 are I no longer freak out and throw up.  I eat, then email, watch TV, work out, or call Casey on the phone for a chat. 

Recovery is fun.  I will never be at the place I was pre-bulimia and masochism, when I ate homemade banana bread, ice cream, garden salads with Ranch and pork chops in moderation with nary a thought for calories and was thin as a person could want to be.  That’s ok.  Thanks to my struggles, I’m more compassionate and brave.  I figure we all have some issue to struggle through in this world, and bulimia/masochism/suicide combine to form my Achille’s Heel. 

I’m very grateful that this Christmas, I am enjoying See’s candy, running regularly on the treadmill, drinking peppermint tea, savoring candy canes and really looking forward to chowing down on whatever treats I find in my stocking.  As long as they aren’t the candles shaped like chocolates.  I took a big bite of one of those a few years back, and thought “This is the worst chocolate ever – it tastes like wax!”  Thanks, Susan 🙂

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