Sub jobs are like dates: your phone is either ringing incessantly or you are tempted to buy a new battery “just in case this one isn’t working anymore.” It seems like there is never a steady, manageable current.
I was truly disappointed that I didn’t have a job today. My hair looks really good, which is unusual and I kind of wanted to take advantage of the occasion by making a public appearance.
Yesterday, in lieu of a job, I emailed editors, lined up interview subjects, finished stories, copied down some parables from the book of Matthew, went to the bank, and read a 244-page book. That Ann Leary can write! I spent the afternoon in London in 1990, and now I know more about premature babies, the socialist British medical system, amateur comedians, and Mrs. Leary’s mother than the average Elko County resident.
I also spent a fair amount of time contemplating the crock pot. For you uneducated cooks, a crock pot is a wonderful device that, when food of any kind and any amount is placed inside its cavernous bowl in the morning, will produce a delightfully aromatic and tasty feast by suppertime. You could pretty much insert an old tennis shoe into a CP, add a cup of beef broth, chop up some celery, sprinkle the whole thing with Lowry’s seasoned salt, and half the neighborhood will crowd into your house at six o’clock with their eyes closed and noses uplifted because “I smelled something delicious from down the street!”
When I first moved in with Allie, she would make a big CP full of something yummy and encourage me to help myself. I barely knew her, so I politely ate one bowl the first night and then politely refrained from eating the leftovers. I didn’t want to be a mooch. After a couple rounds of this, which always ended with a mostly-full CP full of savory beef stew, pork roast, or chicken noodle soup being tossed into the garbage, I changed my tactic.
Now, I view the crock pot as a personal challenge. Can I singlehandedly eat an entire CP full of food before it goes bad? Allie seems to enjoy making large amounts of delicious food, but I have no idea what she eats, because it isn’t that. It is up to me and me alone to defeat the crock pot.
I ate roast for one week straight, then planned to roast a chicken. Allie beat me to it: she put another beef roast into the CP. Another week of roast. I only left a ladleful of shredded muscle fibers (really, that’s what beef is), green beans and carrots in the bottom of the bowl. Now I will get my chicken!
Saint Patrick’s Day got me first. I have been eating boiled cabbage (I’ve given up on the corned beef) every day since last Thursday. Today is the last day. I can taste victory. It tastes like brine.
While you are working today, think of me and my great hair sitting at home. I’ll be eating boiled cabbage.