In the absence of Internet, cell phone, or a good book, I have decided to devote the remainder of my workday afternoon to writing a prayer.
Isn’t that shameful, that only when I have nothing else to do, do I turn to sincere and focused communication with my Lord?
Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank You so much for the many blessings in my life. I’m so glad that You are alive and real, with me all the time. I sometimes find myself in a faith crisis, wondering “How can I be certain God is real? I can’t feel Him in the tangible sense. We’ve never shook hands or hugged. I don’t have any photos in an album labeled ‘Me and Jesus – Lake Eerie, 1992.'”
I know You, God, are real because I couldn’t have merely imagined my life better during the last seven years, when I began seeking a way to be closer to You. I still struggle with the Trinity. I’m perfectly secure with the Holy Ghost concept – I like the voices in my head, offering advice and encouragement throughout the day. I like talking about and to God – the strong Father figure, director of the universe in whole and each minute part.
I am uncomfortable saying aloud “Jesus is my best friend.” I’m ashamed to admit it, but I feel like a Froot Loop. I love – crave – letting You guide my life, both every day and in the grander scheme of things. I wish I wasn’t so squeamish about being all lovey-dovey about Jesus. I know He died on the cross to save me from eternal damnation. I know that there is more, so much more, to this world than just what we see. I know the Bible is the truth, and we should believe it and strive to live its principles every day.
So, why is my heart shrinking from wholly and openly acknowledging Your son, the ultimate sacrifice and Savior, as my closest and most treasured companion? I like to think I would refuse to reject Jesus as my savior, even if that meant I would die, perhaps painfully.
But how can I expect to do that if I can’t proclaim Him to my closest mortal friends?
If somebody asked me “What’s the most important thing in your life?” I wish I could say with 100% certainty that I’d answer, ‘My relationship with Jesus.”
Truthfully, my knee-jerk reaction would probably be “My saddle.” It’s brand-new, custom-built, has a sweet horn, and has ‘John 3:16’ tooled on the cantle.
It’s a great sentiment, my wanting to witness to all who see my saddle. But, is it what I truly live?
How much of my time do I waste on worrying about money, health insurance (or lack thereof), magazine deadlines, what people think of my hair/clothes/roping ability/colt starting skills/article ideas/tack/what I eat/what I drive. What if I took that time and instead devoted it to thinking about Jesus? Instead of worrying, I could just ponder, just savor in my mind for a moment, the awesomeness of the fact that God actually walked around on the Earth for a few decades, then died painfully so people He’d never met (or had He, if ‘He’ is the entire Trinity – Father, Son and Holy Spirit?) could live forever in a glorious paradise?
I don’t have to strive for answers; I just have to grasp this huge concept in my mind for as long as I can. That’s difficult enough.
But maybe, if I practice holding onto this seemingly simple yet everlastingly complex concept, other things will gradually become more clear. I can’t build a structure of knowledge without a rock-solid foundation. Every rodeo competitor will say “Practice the basics for superior results.”
If I’m doubtful of the veracity of the Holy Spirit’s guidance in my life, maybe I should just spend more time thinking about the Son. Just thinking. Just spending minutes that I could choose to spend watching reruns of That ’70s Show, reading The New York Times online, or texting, just resting my mental power on Jesus.